6 Women on Not Having Children

Whether by choice or unfulfilled expectations, single ladies entering middle age are on the rise. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, women 40-44 years old who never married jumped from 11.8% in 2000 to 16.1% in 2018. At the same time, new research from UK behavioral scientist, Paul Dolan, finds women who remain unmarried and childless are the happiest subgroup of people and are most likely to live the longest. Could stepping away from the traditional norms of a spouse and kids be a key ingredient to living your best life?

The answer, say the six women I’ve interviewed, sheds light on a more complex narrative than what a statistic may reveal. Most didn’t choose to be a family of one—it’s just how their lives played out. A miscarriage at 40, two divorces, a broken engagement and seven marriage proposals are the fabric of their combined personal history.

Some mourned—others did not— the children and husbands that were never meant to be, made peace as their biological clocks wound down, and then moved on, embracing the independence of a single lifestyle. “There is no question, once I opened the door into my 50’s, I did feel free of the grief,” says Melanie Notkin, a leading expert on this growing demographic she calls PANK (Professional Aunts No Kids). Maternal love is showered on nieces, nephews, friends’ children and pets who provide unbridled joy without the responsibilities that come with raising a child. Most say their greatest satisfaction is the strong bonds forged among longtime friends and family who are also their support system if help is needed. All except for one hope to fall in love again and share the rest of their life with a significant other.

No matter the path taken to get to this point, these women’s stories share a common thread: they radiate contentment and fulfillment achieved through accepting the life in front of you and creating new dreams for what lies ahead.

…on the childhood dream of a life that included marriage and children…

Sonja Lilljeberg | 43, Intuitive Healer, Massage Therapist, Reiki Master, based in Denver
Out of all of my girlfriends, I was the only one that did not include having to have a husband in my life plan. I don’t know if I ever wanted children. I got married at 29. I don’t regret getting married, but 2 ½ years later we were divorced. I loved my husband, but I wasn’t in love with him. My life was completely different than his and it wasn’t meant to be a good partnership. I would like to have a life partner. If that entails getting married, yes. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too.

Joy Williams | Gen X’er, Health & Wellness Entrepreneur, based in Harlem
When I was 16, I wanted to have my tubes tied and adopt. I never particularly wanted to be pregnant! I still think I’m going to get married, but it’s not like I have somebody lined up. So no, I didn’t really mourn it. I’ve been having a good life.

Melanie Notkin | 50, Founder & Author: Savvy Auntie & Otherhood, based in New York
When I was young, I pictured my life married with twin girls. In my early 20’s I even inquired about maternity benefits at my first job. It was an expectation… With any kind of grief, it begins to subside as the years go on and you begin to let go. And that letting go gives you the sense of freedom to look at life differently and to not look at life in the context of what you are missing, but in the context of what you can take advantage of. It’s not the life I expected, but when I began to be able to appreciate it, I realized it’s a life beyond my expectations. I wrote two books. I’ve done things with my life I have never dreamed of. The reality is magnificent.

Amanda | 53, Lawyer, based in London *(didn’t want surname disclosed)
I always wanted children. Until I hit my early ‘40’s, a last ditch attempt. I always wanted to get married. I got engaged to the guy I was dating at the time. He didn’t want children and I did. It was very hard. I thought he’d change his mind about having children. Ultimately, I thought it’s best not to go ahead with it. My boyfriend after the one that proposed didn’t want kids, but he didn’t mind if I accidentally got pregnant. I kept hoping I might. At this stage I was 45. After I broke up with him, I knew there was no chance. I never wanted to do the IVF route on my own. It became a relief. I stopped looking for the father of my children and just got on with having fun. I felt a sense of freedom once it was too late to have children. I could start living freely.

Ghana Wilson | 55, Consultant to Revolt Hip Hop Summit, President at Green Gigz, based in New York
I used to go through magazines and cut out pictures of men and put them with me. I would write a story about my life with these men that included children, the car we would have, the house we would live in and the vacations we would take. As I got older, went to college and joined the workforce, I put it off. I was dating but it became less and less of a priority for me. Around my mid-to-late thirties I started to think about children. I became hyper-focused. I ended up getting pregnant at 40. I didn’t know I had fibroids and that caused a miscarriage. I’m good at compartmentalizing. I had a miscarriage and myomectomy back to back. I grieved and realized this might not be my path. Then, embraced I can be free to deal with my niece and nephews and parent them in a way. I’m happy with that.

Linda Rodin | 71, Entrepreneur, based in New York
I wasn’t dreaming about it when I was young at all. It never occurred to me that was the next step. Things are pretty good the way they are.

…on how society values single, childless women over 40…

Sonja: It’s less for me than it would have been in my mother’s generation. But, I will go to dinner at a restaurant and they’ll ask, ‘Table for one?’ And I’ll say, ‘yes.’ Then they’ll seat me at the bar. I don’t always want to sit at the bar. Sometimes I actually want to sit at a table. Same if you want to go to the theater and get a single ticket. Sometimes it’s harder to get a single ticket than it is to buy two. Everything is sold in pairs.

Joy: I think some people have an unconscious bias. Early on in my career, people wanted to make concessions for those who had children. When people don’t have children, you can feel the extra burden. I think we should make concessions for everybody. ‘I should be the one who stays late every time because you have kids? No, I can stay late sometimes, and you can stay late sometimes. I might not have kids, but I have something to do.’ And, when people want to talk about children, they sometimes seem apologetic. They think it’s a delicate subject, and it hasn’t been for me. Since they value having kids so much… the fact that you don’t… there must be something wrong…

Melanie: Nobody sees men making a choice between paying the rent, falling in love, getting married and having children. Somehow for women we’re still living in that early pre-second wave feminist idea that career women are outliers. It must be they are too high achieving. That must be what’s wrong with them. Today even married mothers work. The other thing is we call women who remain childless into their 30’s, the term the U.S. Census Bureau uses is “delay.” Women delay childbirth because they got an education. Women graduate college at 22. They aren’t really delaying. Men aren’t exactly standing on the street holding signs and saying, “Please marry me, I want to be a dad.” We keep forgetting that men are a part of this and they are enjoying their own independence and want to marry later.

Amanda: I do feel people look down on me. Not everybody, but a lot of people still do and it’s a real shock when it happens. London is a big city and you would think it’s perfectly normal. I always have to explain it. When I was in Dubai last month, a woman said to me, “You’re too pretty to be single.” I thought it was quite flattering, but also people think if you’re single it must be that no one wants you. I’m perfectly confident.

Ghana: It was bad about ten years ago because, at that point, people still think, “You still have time.” I was mentoring at-risk youths and some of them were 12, 13, 14 and had kids. They would say: “Well, you’re not a mother so why would I listen to anything that you’re saying?” And I’m like, ‘I’m not a mother because I made a choice. That’s a huge life altering choice that will inform everything that you do.’